JB #6: A bulimic story

This is a story of a girl who personally has never imagined that she would end up as one of eating-disorder victims. She is always convinced that she is a delusional kid with a slight OCD. But, never once... not even once she imagined herself as a bulimic until the last 2 years of her recent life.

As a note, she is normal with BMI around 20 and exercise regularly (not excessively). She loves outdoor exercises like cycling or hiking. She also likes sport plays, namely badminton or volley ball. You would say she is bubbly and pretty laid-back on the outside, but rather bitter and realistic on the inside. She doesn't really care about fashion or personal body care. Hence, there should be no reason at all for her to care too much on her body image.

Pathetically, there is this intense illogical fear of gaining weight. She feels like every additional pound is a sin dirtier than stealing, heavier than killing (and she would rather kill a mice than gaining another pound, a real everyday-psychopath). She is too afraid of gaining a pound by a pound, which led her to scale her weight every single damn-morning.
Ironically, she loves to eat, in or out. She is a person that you can say, not yet a good cook, but already a recipes-explorer. She is always happy every time she finished cooking something and ask her friends to eat together. Although she is too ashamed to eat a bunch of her own cooking in front of others. The demons inside her head are crying out loud.

"Eat it all, sneak it into your bedroom."
"You deserve it all, no need to restrain."

"Don't eat you fat pig, look at your flabby arms!"
"So you think your tummy is not shameful?"

All the YES(es) and NO(s) are screaming inside her head. It's like a ghost, haunting the back of her head.
She can't always hold herself. Sometimes, at really bad times, she gives in and eats all of those lovely food. She can't stop shoving all of the stuff into her mouth. She can't stop even after she feels sick and her stomach hurts. She can't stop even if she cries. SHE CAN'T !!

The one and only thing that could help her is forced-vomiting.

Thus, after every single cries she pours, she sneaks into the bathroom. With all of the guilt in her chest, she shoves her fingers forcefully to her throat. Despite all the blood and pain, she desperately purges and empties her stomach until all the guilt thrown into the closet. Until all of the naughty calories flushed down the toilet. And after every single purges, she cries silently. Blaming her weak self. Out of fear to gain weight, she damages her body even more.
It's a vicious cycle.

It doesn't mean that she is literally weak. NO. She is a rather strong-headed and strong-willed clever girl. She loves biology, she studies biology. She knows all the scientific facts about the effect of her behaviour. Yet she couldn't stop it.

It's almost like an addiction. A killing one.

She believes that she has gone mental because of her bulimia. She just convinced herself that she is good in faking her state of illness. Most important, she is tired.

She is tired as every time she tells her best friends, they will just say,

"Why do have to be so afraid to gain a slight weight? People's values are not only based on the body weight."
"Ow, there is nothing wrong with your body. It's smokin' hot!"
"The fat is in the mind of the beholder."

EXACTLY !!

Prettier said than done. It is indeed only in her mind. And she absolutely knew that already. But what could be done when it has turned into a habit, a killing one?

Could you lend a helping hand?
Will you lend listening ears?

Because, even though her best friends ask the reason behind her fear, nobody really care to unlock the clogging heart. They just hear but not listen, they just ask but not seek.

If you meet her, will you listen to her crying soul?